Driving home this afternoon, everything I had been fighting so hard to hold onto emotionally found its way out.
I have always been one to handle things on my own. Telling everyone that I'm fine when I'm not, jumping in to help others, when I'm struggling to find my own way...hoping that the distraction will keep me from the inevitable confrontation with my own thoughts and feelings.
From a young age, I have never wanted to disappoint anyone...and I've never wanted to hear anyone say they were disappointed in me. And yet, there's always that nagging feeling that I've let everyone down. There's the constant retracing of words and actions in my mind that lead me to believe that I'm not good enough, or at times, too much to handle and so comes the pushing away of people in my life that mean the most. The mistakes I have made along the way have been, at times, costly ones and maybe they occurred because I was too busy trying to be superhuman instead of just admitting to myself that I can only do so much...The battle of the "self imposed" pressure of perfection, colliding with my own imperfection, is at best, exhausting and it's keeping me from living the life I've always imagined I could have...
I have always said I would be honest in these blogs and so...I admit I did have thoughts as I was driving home this afternoon, that this would be my last visit with Doc. I was basing my decision on my own insecurities, combined with the feeling that I had failed the very people, and the herd, who had been helping me. And then...the pictures Jenn took today of Doc and I together showed up in a text. I found myself in a parking lot releasing the emotions through tears I could no longer control. It was in that moment, I realized not going back would be the biggest mistake of my life and that I am surrounded by people and horses I have come to know, love and care a great deal about. It is with them, that I am beginning to find my own way to healing the decades of loss and pain.
Healing can be messy and it's a lot of hard work...it's filled with giving and taking and reliving. As a former paramedic, the cumulation of trauma I have seen, my own sense of mortality and my never ending search for the meaning of it all, is daunting. Today, I almost allowed the messiness to cloud my judgment and dampen the work we've done together...but it was that one picture that changed my thinking.
The picture allowed me to take a deeper look from the outside in. I was able to see, and feel, what can happen when two souls are in the beginning stages of becoming one...with the understanding that I can finally give myself permission to not do this all by myself and...to be willing to lower my guard, be vulnerable and begin letting others get close in order for this process to work. I cannot continue to push people away and run from the things I don't want to confront.
God has led me here for a reason. He led me to a place where I have found trust, compassion and love among strangers, who have become friends, and horses who have become companions in the truest sense, all while sharing their individual stories of healing and hope...
~Parker
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