Walking Through the Wilderness with Compliments...

Seventy-seven days ago, I wrote a blog titled, “Leaning on a Horse Named Compliments.” At the time, I had no idea how much that post would come to mean to me...especially over the course of this past week.

As many of you know, Comp passed away on June 3rd. I could fill pages with stories about our time together...each one with a lesson...some obvious...some revealed by friends...and at other times, those lessons only made sense long after the moment had passed...but one thing about each lesson, they always contained a message of hope, love, warmth, freedom...and were bound by a connection within nature...

Yesterday afternoon, I spent hours sitting by the Intracoastal Waterway, letting go of emotions I had experienced before...and some that I had not...and quite truthfully, I didn't know what to do with them... And that's when a much bigger story began to rise from the sadness. It's a story I believe Comp had been trying to show me all along...not just in what he did...but in who he was.

Ironically, last week, I began rereading the story of Moses....a man chosen and called to lead his people out of slavery...a man who walked faithfully with them through the wilderness…

Now that I look back over the time I spent with Comp, that's what he did...he worked to lead me out of my "slavery" while walking with me towards the "Promised Land".... He was...my wilderness guide...

When I was lost in my dark world of past memories, trauma, depression, shame and guilt...where the silence in my soul and the voices in my head were loud...Comp met me there. Not with answers...but with presence and patience. He possessed a quiet, calming strength I didn’t even know I needed.

He didn’t heal me...because that wasn’t his job. Comp’s role was to walk with me and give me the courage to mingle with the herd in order to become one of them...and to confront my past...while encouraging me to continue to move forward...even when the path ahead felt hopeless.

I realized yesterday, for the first time, that I had been living in a kind of slavery, a bondage...not of body...but of mind, heart and soul. I was held hostage by memories, bound by trauma, imprisoned by silence, shame, regret and guilt....and like the Israelites in Egypt, I stayed there for far too long..not because I wanted to...but because I couldn’t see a way out...

Pain had become familiar...and numbness had become a safe place...

But healing doesn’t come from comfort zones...it comes from the wilderness. When the Israelites were finally freed, they didn’t march straight into peace...they wandered...they wrestled...they doubted...and they carried the weight of everything they thought they had left behind....and that’s been my story too...

In January....God sent me Comp...not as my deliverer, but as my companion...my silent strength...the calming energy I needed wrapped in a horse with incredible patience...soft spoken eyes that could communicate with, and pierce, my spirit...and a gentleness that didn't seem to mind me physically or emotionally leaning against him...He stood beside me on days when I couldn’t stand on my own...carrying the weight of my fears, telling me, in his own way, that he didn't judge me for the things I was already harshly judging myself for... He showed me that healing wasn’t about speed...it was about faithfulness and connection... And Comp was easy to connect with and faithful without a fault...

Off in a distance, I am able to catch a glimpse of it...the "Promised Land"...which, for me, is not a physical destination...it's a place of healing...and of strength...and it's a place where you become who you were always meant to be....and as I approach that realm, I’m learning to let go of what once enslaved me...to stop dragging the ghosts I've carried behind me...to believe that freedom isn't just for other people...it’s for me, too...

Comp...you led with presence...and with strength...and a quiet courage. You walked with me through the deserts of pain...grief...and my own insecurities...and brought me into your space filled with love, compassion and wisdom far beyond your years. You brought me close enough to see that healing was real...that hope was ahead...and peace was possible. Your mission was about reminding me I was strong enough to keep walking...that I was never alone, that I have people and horses in my life who hold space with me...and that I was not the sum of my wounds and fears...

I don't think I ever envisioned a day when I wouldn't be able to physically lay my hands upon your neck...give you a kiss...or throw my arms over your back and lean into you...but here we are. The pain and the hurt are real...and through it all, I cannot imagine never having known you....

It is because of you my friend...that I am closer than I've ever been to the "Promised Land"...and when the day comes, when I cross into that deep place of peace and full healing, I will carry you with me...because it was you who carried me while opening up the possibility of a new life...and who stayed long enough to point me in the right direction to allow me the time and space to find my way...

There are so many others you've led to the "Promised Land"...and have held space with while giving them a new life... Lives that are forever changed because they were led to find you at Barnabas...and that is your legacy...

Thank you for being my guide in the wilderness...you are loved more than you know...

~Parker