
This morning during my weekly session at Barnbas, I was asked what I had learned about myself over the course of the past year. I was put on the spot, my brain went into freeze mode, but I somehow managed to blurt out a few things that I have learned, which have ultimately changed the course of my life.
That one question set me on the path to sit down this afternoon and take a moment to think about the sessions and the months that have since passed...because that's what I do. I keep searching for answers and ways to move forward on my journey, long after I've left a session with the herd, Sue, Jenn, Tiffany or Gina. With the end of each session, my work is just beginning...I'm not obsessed with the work, but I want to make sure that (1) I'm taking care of myself and making the changes I need to, in order to heal, (2) I don't want there to be any misconceptions as to why I place such a high value on making sure I attend scheduled sessions at Barnabas and Turning Point Counseling and Consulting (3) I need for everyone who is walking with me on this journey, to know how thankful I am for them and that I would never take advantage of the incredible opportunities I have to grow and heal and (4) to always make the effort to put in the work it takes to actively listen, learn, understand and practice.
And so, I thought as the one year anniversary of my first visit to the Barnabas Horse Foundation approaches...maybe this would be a good time to expand a little further on the question Jenn posed to me this morning. It's not all pretty, but...I need to be upfront and honest. If I don't speak from a place of honesty, I would be doing myself and others, who find themselves in a similar situation, a disservice...
Last October, I began to notice a shift in my behavior. It was a familiar one which I'd experienced several times before. Five years had gone by since I'd been in any type of therapy and up until this point, I had always managed to push the thoughts, images and emotions aside...but not this time. This time was different. It was all coming back with a vengeance...the smells, the sounds, the dreams. I'd been in treatment before and thought I was in a good place, but suddenly, everything shifted and began to crash down around me. I couldn't seem to comprehend why this was happening now...
As November rolled around, I knew I was in trouble. I was pushing my friends away...my attitude was getting worse...every little thing turned into an argument...I didn't care about anything or anyone, including myself...I lost interest in the things and places that once made me happy...I didn't know what I wanted...sleep was a battle and the endless moments of tears just wouldn't stop... With all that going on at once, I made the decision to keep it all to myself. I didn't reach out to anyone, even after help was offered. I had friends who were looking out for me, but I wouldn't grab hold of the rope they were throwing me. If I had already participated in several treatment modalities before,...why was I so adamant about not reaching out for help this time? In the past, when I shared my story, I always said I hoped it would be easier for me to reach out again, if I needed to, because I would have already experienced what it was like to be in therapy. I would know exactly what to expect. But, that was not the case. In fact, I ran as far away from help as I possibly could...
By Thanksgiving I was having suicidal thoughts. My plate was full...everything was overwhelming...it felt like nothing was going right for me...the feeling of being unwanted, unloved and a burden to everyone was taking control over my thoughts, the pain and the memories of patients crying and begging to be saved, along with the sights of things one should never have to see, was just too much at this point. Every moment of every day, I found myself recalling every adult, child and pediatric medical and trauma call I had ever been on in my career. Play by play. Rerun after rerun. I was in a pit, where I couldn't even see the light to get out...and falling deeper into the darkness with each passing day.
I did the basics...the bare minimum...I went to work, ran errands, but doing anything beyond that...was just too taxing on me physically and emotionally. I stopped answering calls and texts from my inner circle...I just couldn't allow anyone to get close enough to me at that point because I was afraid I would break...and there was no way, this former paramedic was going to fall apart.
The week after Thanksgiving, I made the decision that I would end my life. I knew how and where...the only thing left was when.
A few months earlier, I was Googling local nonprofits who were working with First Responders and that's how I came to find the Barnabas Horse Foundation. I read their entire website, page by page...watched every video I could find on YouTube...and even followed them on social media. Like every good paramedic, I had done my research...and this place, for whatever reason, was beginning to draw me in.
The same week I made the decision to end my life, I saw a random post on social media that Barnabas would be hosting a Hot Chocolate and Horses event. I read through it but I didn't really think anything about it, but...something kept sending me back to that particular post. I gave it some more thought and reached out to my friend Pete, to see if he wanted to go with me to check it out. He said, "yes," but in my head, I still wasn't so sure I would muster up enough courage to go. It was supposed to rain that day, so I made a deal with myself that if the event was rained out, it would be a sign that Barnabas would not be the place for me. (I had failed to read the part of the post that said, "RAIN OR SHINE.") I had made the deal that sealed my fate...I was going to HAVE to go now... As the day drew near, I was sort of looking forward to the visit, but at the same time I was nervous about it.
I knew immediately, as we drove through the gate, this place was special... We wandered the grounds, met a few of the horses, watched a demonstration and met with a volunteer who shared with me everything about the First Responder program being offered there. I knew from the conversation, this might be something to look further into...however... when I saw the demonstration between Bella and Tiffany, I knew I wanted to know what it would feel like to be able to have a relationship like that with a horse...the trust...the energy...the communication...the sharing of space...the bond...
The brief time I spent there that day was enough for me to hold off on what I had intended to do and begin the thought process of giving this program a chance. I had nothing else left...what difference would one day make?
The event was held on a Saturday. I thought about it over the weekend and by Monday morning, I decided to make the call. However, deciding to make the call and actually doing it...well...that took some time. I programmed the number into my phone and over the course of the next several hours, I would find myself picking the phone up...and putting it right back down. Eventually, I made the call and was invited to join the session the following Monday.
So...from Jenn's question...what have I learned about myself this year?
I've learned:
that on days when I cried and said, "I wasn't going to make it." The tears did stop and I moved forward.
I've learned;
every visit to the farm makes me a little nervous. But I think that's a good thing.
I've learned;
how my heart blends with the herds.
I've learned:
to relish in the moment a horse asks for connection. There is no better feeling.
I've learned:
the herd doesn't judge me, even when I feel like they do...that's just my head trying to keep me in chaos.
I've learned:
tightening my inner circle was a must...and so was letting some people go.
I've learned:
I need to work on setting boundaries and not taking on more than I can handle or am able to give at the moment.
I've learned:
that I can't run away from everything. At some point, I have to fight back and face my demons.
I've learned:
being in community with others who believe in the Lord has helped me return to Him and begin to renew and grow that relationship.
I've learned:
that as much as I wanted to end my life, there was a much stronger part of me that wanted to live.
I've learned:
how to begin to take the necessary steps to create a relationship of trust with the herd.
I've learned:
the first step in healing is to just show up.
And...I've learned:
to keep trusting the process.
For the past twenty-three years, I have been stuck treading water instead of living. I felt the Lord had abandoned me, thinking this was punishment for some things I did. But maybe, it was just a way to get me to sit still while He led me where I needed to be, when I needed to be there. I know God has plans for me. I am beginning to recognize a part of those plans, but the when and how they come to fruition is up to Him. In the mean time, I'll continue to put in the healing work that I need to do.
This time last year, I was on the verge of ending my life. A year later, I'm sitting here sharing with you how Hot Chocolate and Horses saved it.
I am grateful for the work Sue, Jenn and Tiffany have done with Barnabas and I think of all the survivors who have driven through the gate. I am grateful for the herd and their stories. I am grateful for the beautiful horses we lost this year...Red Belle, Katie and Cheyenne...for sharing their lives. I am grateful for the referral to Turning Point. I am grateful for Gina and her uncanny ability to get me to open up and the honesty and trust she brings to the table.
It is because of their work...both humans and horses, and God's calling upon each one of them, that I am here today. Don't ever think the work you do, or the passion and drive to get things done in the right way, doesn't matter...because it all matters. Without a doubt, I know... if there was no Barnabas, there would be no me.
Never underestimate the power of hot chocolate...and a herd of horses.
To God be the glory...
~Parker
Parker I am so happy you made that call. My friend you are special in so many ways. Keep up the hard work.
Your testimony touches my soul! ❤️