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The Magic of Connection

Parker McBryde

For the past couple of hours I have been sitting in front of my laptop trying to come up with the words to describe this morning's session at Barnabas. I'm not sure there are any that fully capture the moment adequately enough, much less the powerful emotions that hit me this afternoon.


There was great conversation and laughter with Jenn, a side of me that I had not always allowed myself to share. But I've been riding a bit of a high for the past eleven days since "Baby Jesus" and I had a long conversation down by the Intercoastal Waterway. A conversation that needed to take place, but in reality, it could only happen when I was ready to reach out and say that I could no longer be on this journey without Him. And it was there, I gave Him everything I had been fighting to hold onto for years...


So, when I arrived this morning at the farm, part of the conversation with Jenn was trying to explain that when I find myself in a situation or experiencing an emotion, I now catch myself in mid-thought, or action, and how "freezing" for just a moment, allows me to stop and think things through and choose a different response to whatever situation I'm currently in. My brain feels like one hemisphere is waking up and helping the other to work through whatever is going on at the time.


So, while we were talking and hanging out with the horses, apparently Doc grew bored with us and walked off...it was kind of funny, watching him move into stealth mode and mingle in with the rest of the herd in an effort for us not to notice. But...not so fast there buddy.....


As Jenn was helping me remember the "rules of engagement" for asking for connection from him, I noticed two things. First, I wasn't as fidgety as I have been in the past, even though I felt a bit anxious inside. And second, I really wanted that connection with him, but was fighting myself to ask for it. This has been a consistent issue in my life. I never want to impose or bother anyone and so, I resort most of the time to either becoming angry at myself over my failure to ask for what I need, and/or...I back off and grow silent.


I tried to think through how I wanted to approach him, but my thoughts kept going back to "I can't do this." It's always a battle inside...the me who wants to participate and the me who is shy and unable, or unwilling at times, to allow myself to just let go and step out into a new world. When I realized I wasn't making much headway, I was able to reason that I needed further assistance from Jenn and I began to ask questions...and again, asking questions isn't really something I would have done before, but I wanted to learn and I wanted to do this. So, the only way to make that happen was to ask.


With her help, I was able to follow her directions, regulate myself and take the steps I needed towards Doc, all while asking for connection from him. After a few minutes, he stopped grazing, made the turn back towards me. I released pressure, thanked him, and then Jenn and I took some steps back and restarted the process.


This time, Doc was quicker to turn back towards me and it was in that moment that everything changed. While slowly and methodically making his way over and his head down, I felt my energy shift...as my eyes met his, the weight I had been carrying around just seemed to melt away.


The rejection I had anticipated from him never came. Now, next time may be different, and I'll have to figure out how to process that when the time comes, but for today...the love and connection I felt from him is what I needed.


Four hours later, a flood of emotions came out of nowhere when I realized what had really happened in that moment with Doc. These were not the "normal" tears of feeling unheard or not being seen... or feeling unworthy, unloved or hopeless. It was not the dark tears, but rather, tears of joy.


Reliving that moment with Doc brought so much relief and freedom. Approaching him with a full heart and returning that love to him was such a special moment for me. The idea that I could trust him, and he trust me, is overwhelming. I don't know that I can possibly love that boy any more than I do right now.


I have been fighting so hard and for so long to just hold on for the next moment...the next day...the next week. And when a day like today comes along, one that was not planned...well, that's just a straight up God moment. I've never hidden the fact that I arrived at Barnabas knowing this was my last hope...it has come to be the place that renews my spirit and is giving me the opportunity to move into a new life, one completely different than the one I have known in the past. I know God led me to the farm...and today I am fully aware why....


~Parker























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