Leaning on a Horse Named Compliments...

There are moments at the farm that seemingly come out of nowhere. I don't anticipate them...and yet, there they are...the ones that manage to sneak in and move me to a deeper awareness of self and a greater understanding of grace, redemption, hope and forgiveness.....

I have always known that I'm a seeker...a seeker of meaning, truth and existence...I seem to always gravitate to the smallest of things...the smell of a freshly plowed field, the movements of water, the shaking of ground from a running horse, the sight of birds soaring in the sky and the sound their wings make while in flight, the deepening roll of thunder...and the way the sunlight seems to peak through those moments of darkness...it's never-ending, always different and it seems to draw me in whether I want it to or not...

Time seems to stand still, or move in slow motion, sending me messages, that these are moments to lean into...to respect, honor, remember, see and feel...everything is deeply rooted in thoughts and emotions...and presenting me with experiences that I cannot always adequately explain with words. Most of my life, I have tried to bury the "seeker" ...it made me feel different...an outcast...a wanderer. However...lately, especially while I'm at the farm, I'm beginning to see this as something to embrace, not bury...

Such was the case last week, as Jenn and I made our way through the pasture towards Compliments.

As we began grooming him, I realized there are times when I need a task, something that I can do without thought or emotion...however...I also need those moments that have nothing to do with task mode. I simply need time to slow down, move away from my own self doubts and thoughts....and be fully present in the time, and space, in which Comp and I have together...

Lately, I've noticed I am becoming a little more hands on with him....meaning, after grooming, I put the brush away in his grooming bag and gently place my hands on him. Having this hands on time allows the two of us a moment of connection in which to give and receive energy directly to and from each other, without the barrier of a brush....

On this day, my hands on moment turned into my need to exhale and lean into him...to hold on to him and rest.

My thoughts drifted away as I leaned against his side, my body tapping into his rhythmic breathing...the slow inhalation and exhalation...drawing me into a deeper separation of my own guilt and shame, and into his state of peace and trust. Everything now noticeably quiet...it was now just me and Comp.

As the morning sun pierced through the trees, his mane seemed to brighten and blow gently in the breeze. It was then I realized he had turned his head back toward me and our eyes locked in. Time slowed down...and the space we were now sharing, and the way he looked at me, is how I always envisioned I would feel when the time came for me to stand in the presence of Jesus...it was overwhelming and yet comforting. The guilt and shame I have been carrying...along with my struggle to process and find meaning with so many past traumatic moments, popped up before my eyes like a picture book....my thoughts and emotions turning page after page after page... And yet, through it all, Comp stayed right there...rarely moving...allowing me time to acknowledge what was happening and accept his help.

There seemed to be no concept of time at all...

Eventually, Bella made her way over to where we were...I had been aware of Jenn's quiet presence, along with Sophie, however, it wasn't until I walked around Comp that I noticed Landon also standing there...

As time closed on our session, I wasn't able to say much walking back through the barn to my truck and I think Jenn understood there was something powerful in what had just happened, which is why I think she said it was ok if I couldn't say anything.

Comp's calming presence brought out something in me that I'm not able to put back in the box...

It wasn't until I was driving home that I began to cry...and for the next three hours the tears fell, not out of sadness, but out of freedom and understanding.

As I sat by the waterway later that day, I remembered the story of Jesus and the woman at the well. One of the verses from that story resonated with me and it seemed to fit perfectly into the way Comp looked at me and why I felt Jesus' presence at the moment our eyes met... "She said to the people, 'Come and see a man who told me everything I have ever done.'"

There is no doubt Jesus used Comp, in that moment, to remind me that He knows everything....He knows my struggles...my fears, my regrets, my shame, my guilt...my constant fight to save my own life from the darkness that works so hard to consume it... and yet He loves me anyway...

There was no judgment from Comp, only grace, hope and understanding...I know the same is true of Christ...it's learning to get out of my own way and accept the love, forgiveness and redemption that can come only from Him.

I'm still processing time spent with Comp...and where we go from here. His presence and strength carried me when I thought I was beyond reach. As we continue to work together, I hope to be able to offer him what he has freely given me...

Compliments...

...you are the comforter...

...the quiet mystic...

...the one who stands guard...

...the protector of the broken...

...and my friend...

~Parker