Finding My Way Through A Test Of Faith

The path to true healing is a long, difficult and challenging one. There are days when things just click and I think to myself, "finally, a turn in a positive direction," only to find myself several minutes, hours or even days later, returning to more unsettling thoughts and emotions.

It can be frustrating at times. I want to be past all this, but I also know the ever changing process is a part of healing. I have to accept it...as it will ultimately bring the freedom and clarity I have been looking for. The past seven months have been the hardest of the journey, thus far. I believe reaching out, to finally talk honestly about everything, when I did, was due to God's timing and Him placing me in the right places with the right people...don't get me wrong, I still don't share everything in therapy or at the farm, yet...but I have released more in the past 3 1/2 months than I ever did in previous years of therapy.

I admit I have been struggling with my faith for a while...thinking my own guilt could never translate into God's love and forgiveness. After all the praying I have done, there is frustration over not feeling or hearing from Him. There are days when I feel I can hear Him so clearly and then...nothing...complete silence. I wondered if I was experiencing what some in the bible had gone through...a long wait, or if I had just made terrible choices. At times, I began to doubt I was even hearing Him at all, maybe it was me thinking thoughts that I interpreted as being His voice.

However, within the past 24 hours, another shift began to take place. It started at the farm yesterday afternoon. The session was meant to help the herd. Honestly, I'm not so sure I helped them much.

You could feel the heaviness from their mourning. And for a while, I did interact with them, but I began to feel a pull to stand by the fence and be a spectator in their world. As time went by, I realized I had become more grounded with them and the world around us, than I ever had before. I watched each horse...some as they approached me, some as they grazed and others as they made their way around each other. There was this energy emitting from each of them. I have no words to adequately describe the moment, only to say it was the most peaceful feeling I have ever experienced...as each horse seemed to have a different vibe that was uniquely theirs and yet, they remained completely united as a herd. Each giving and taking as they needed...

My eyes soon caught the the sight of the cross. I had never really paid much attention to that area before. It's like it just showed up at a moment when I needed clarity. And so, I prayed. I prayed that I would be shown God's presence and that He would show me what I needed to do and what I needed to change...and...I prayed for every person, horse (and barn cat) at Barnabas.

It was while I was taking everything in around me that I noticed the wind blowing through the trees. Each tree different...their limbs dancing to their own rhythm...the same as with every horse as they made their way around all of us.

It was then, that I realized God's presence didn't show up in word, but rather...by sight and by sound. It was in what He created in that moment, that I began to see and experience Him.

It all started with the horses who were in need and then somewhere along the way, it changed. I don't know, maybe all of us, both humans and horses, who were gathered together in that space yesterday were in need of something from each other and in the process found comfort in community...

This morning before sunrise, I awoke with this incredible urge to pray again. (Because that's what God does, right? If you're not still enough to talk with Him during normal business hours, He's going to wake you up in the middle of the night!)

This prayer was different from the ones I have prayed in the past. I found myself completely open and sharing with God everything I was feeling and going through. In past prayers, I was reserved and not as open, which is a little funny to think about now, especially when I am reminded that I cannot hide anything from Him. He knows. He knew. He always has. I just needed to break free of my own insecurities, guilt and shame... and allow my wants, my needs and my fears to be shared with Him openly and honestly, without reservation...just release and have a conversation.

Because of those two prayers, and time spent at the farm, I have been able to spend some time today in contemplative thought, with a little tiredness and tears thrown in. The faith I had been grounded in, and subsequently lost, is slowly finding its way back. I'm not where I need to be just yet, but I can be assured that growth in our relationship is happening and will continue as long as I remain open.

There will be more days ahead when I'm not sure what to do. And so, I will need to remember that I can hear God speaking in other ways...I just need to be still, and unafraid, enough to allow His love, grace and forgiveness an opportunity to guide me, teach me and hold onto me...

~Parker