
July 1, 2023, I stumbled across a podcast featuring a couple of current law enforcement officers discussing their newly organized nonprofit called Day 1 Week 1. This nonprofit interviews First Responders and Veterans. Their mission: to break the stigma mental health issues have over this community by raising funds to offset the cost of treatment.
I wasn't exactly sure why, but I felt the need to reach out to them. Three weeks later, we recorded a podcast where I, someone who had up until now kept this part of my life private, found myself confiding in two complete strangers about my battle with PTSD, depression and suicidal ideations, on a recording that would go public. And so, on July 23rd, I became Episode 4.
On the day of the interview, my thoughts and emotions were telling me I shouldn't go through with it, that this was a really bad idea. However, every time I picked up the phone to make the call informing the guys I had a change of heart, another part of me kept pushing me towards moving forward with this.
And so...I sat at the table, completely out of my element, vulnerable, mind and heart racing, not knowing what questions would be asked of me or what they would think of me...and I opened up to them, sharing a part of my story that few people knew. As the interview progressed, my nervousness seemed to leave me and by the time it was over, I felt relieved. I felt free. The things I'd shared only in therapy, and with a select few, about my suicidal thoughts, were now out in the open for the world to know. As I waited for the podcast release date, I continued to have self doubt that I was doing the right thing. Countless times, I picked up the phone in hopes of putting a hold on the release.
As confirmation of a release date became all too real, I began to ask myself, "why in the hell did I reach out to begin with, much less through a podcast?" Why would I put myself out there like this, knowing everything I had just gone through would return. I knew the nightmares would return. I knew the anxiety, the anger, the fear, the sadness, the crying, the jumbled up thoughts in my head, the profanity....all of it, would return for another visit. And I also knew this time, everyone would know...and I wondered why I hadn't just kept my mouth shut and kept all this to myself.
What changed in me during those days of waiting for the release of this podcast? What moved me from a point of panic and self doubt to regaining that feeling of freedom? It was as simple, and as difficult, as taking my seat at the table and breaking my silence. This time on a much larger scale. I felt if I kept this chapter of my life secret, then I was the one being selfish. As a former paramedic, would I fail to respond to another in need? Someone in my community of first responders? My brothers and sisters? Would I fail them? I didn't want to live the rest of my life knowing I could have possibly helped someone else who was struggling and didn't. It would have been easier to walk away, to let the things I had hidden from others remain where they were. Silent. I found that as loud as the voices were, I couldn't walk away. I had to be open, honest, and available to share the raw feelings and the good that can come from all this when the right help and support are in place. I needed for current and former first responders and veterans to know there are so many of their brothers/sisters who have, or are currently experiencing the same hurt, the same pain, the same emotions, the same loneliness, the same tiredness and self doubt as they are.
I have come to realize the silence has to be broken...and if it takes me fighting through my emotions, my anxiety, reliving the nightmares, the traumas, and everything I fought so hard in therapy to heal from, and to outwardly show my scars from the battle, in order to help others by sharing this, then that's what I am willing to do. I am willing to put all of this out there, come what may. I am willing to get knocked down in the hope of helping someone I may, or may not know, get back up. I am willing to do that...for you, because someone was willing to do that for me.
Below you will find the links to Episode 4 of the Day 1 Week 1 Podcast. My hope is that someone listening will come to understand they can move past the mental health issues that are currently holding them down. It is not an easy journey, it takes time, and there are a lot of highs and lows with stepping forward and breaking that silence. I admit at times I regress. Even years after my diagnosis, I continue to have days where I just can't get myself together, my life gets messy, but we all need to know we have people in our corner who love us, and who care enough about us to keep the phone calls, the texts, the emails and the visits coming. Find that person you can confide in. Find that therapist who will get you through this. It may take several therapists before you find the right fit for you, but just reach out. Healing has to begin somewhere...break the silence and take a seat at the table with us.
~Parker
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Check out the first 6 podcasts on their website at: www.day1week1.org There you will find some pretty amazing people telling their stories of tragedy and triumph and how they continue to move forward everyday.
Click on your favorite podcast platform to listen to Episode 4.
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