
On Saturday, I found out that a long time friend, and former EMS partner, died sometime Friday night. For the past two days, I've been numb, thinking word would eventually come that it wasn't true...but 48 hours have now passed and the words I have been waiting for...never arrived...
I was at the farm earlier today, a place that always grounds me one way or another...but my mind was all foggy and my thoughts were running from place to place. And...I admit, I wasn't fully present among the herd. I couldn't seem to stay focused on anything, except Sean's life. And so I drifted...
I couldn't fight my emotions any longer, so I left the session a few minutes early. On the way home, I realized driving probably wasn't what I needed to be doing at that moment. Every little thing just pissed me off. And that's when the line from "Steel Magnolias" popped in my head...you know the one, where Sally Field is distraught at the death of her daughter. She and her friends are at the cemetery when this exchange takes place...
M'Lynn: "...I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!"
Clairee: Here!
[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]Â
Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!"
That's me right now...I just want to hit something!
If you stay on the job long enough, you end up with not only friends, but family...and that's what the job ultimately ends up taking away from us, our brothers and sisters. We are born into our blood families, but we choose our family of friends. And when one member of this "chosen" family leaves us, I feel like it's just as hard and in some cases, harder to deal with emotionally than our blood family.
Somewhere in the middle of the anger and other emotions that grief brings with it, I thought of Sean. I'll be honest, when I first met him, I didn't think he would ever make it as an EMT. He had a servant's heart, but sometimes, even that's not enough. But Sean worked hard ...little did we know, that with the first day of him walking through the doors of Rescue Company 4, serving the public would became a lifelong commitment for him.
Sean's quirkiness, his intelligence and his relationship with the stranger was just who he was. His laughter and smile drew people to him. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone with the care and compassion of Sean Carroll. He showed up daily, ready to work...ready to make a difference in the lives of the people of Horry, Georgetown and Charleston Counties. And he's done that in the quietest of ways...Don't get me wrong, the boy could be mischievous and an unsuspecting presence in the middle of a practical joke, but that's what made those occasions come to mean so much more...And you know, we didn't change Sean, it was Sean who changed us.
Though there have been many miles between us, I know without a doubt, if I ever needed him, he would be there...ready to help. I think that's why his death is hitting so many, so hard. There's a void in our lives...a piece of us is missing...as within the herd, when one dies, a heartbeat goes missing. This is what I'm feeling today...a missing heartbeat.
I'm thankful for the time spent with Sean and the conversations we had...and for the honey mustard "shots" we drank from Backyard Burger on the trips back from Charleston.
Sean, we are better people because of you. I hope you know how much you are loved.
Missing you, my friend...
Parker
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