Stay

I recently read a question on a social media post that caught me completely off guard. It led me to a time of reflection, which I guess, was the point: "If you had committed suicide, how long have you been gone?"

I quickly calculated: 17 months, 1 week.

For five months, August-December, 2023, my life spiraled out of control and I could see no way to move past the things I'd seen over the course of my career...the weight of my own past, the constant trauma and the suffering of so many in such horrific ways...the sights, the smells, the sounds...all returning to the home they had made within me, taking over my entire life.

Things I'd thought I'd processed with other therapists and within group settings...were now, becoming so overwhelming to deal with...it was the patients, those from my past who continually came around to visit...one right after the other. I couldn't stop them...and I couldn't stop the pain that came with those memories. In my mind, there was only one thing left to do. I planned the details of my own suicide. And no one knew...

On November 30, I saw an invitation to a December event called Hot Chocolate and Horses. I tried to talk myself out of going, but as that Saturday rolled around, I felt the urge to give one more program a try...in my noise-filled mind, this was my last hope... 

Had I listened to the noise and followed through with my plans on November 30th, I never would have known help would come 39 days later in the form of the Barnabas Horse Foundation, and their equine-assisted learning program for first responders...

It hasn't always been easy, but the last 15 months have been a celebration...a testament that healing can come even when I felt there would be no more tomorrows. The horses, the people, the space to feel...to be seen and heard...gave me something I hadn’t felt in a long time: hope.

The Month of May is Mental Health Awareness and National Trauma Awareness Month...and it's also a time during the months of April and May where we recognize all of our first responders during designated weeks... There can be no better time for the tough conversations to be held. Suicide is a topic that often goes unspoken because very few want to talk about it, much less mention the word itself. Suicide isn't going away by ignoring it...it likes to stay hidden...it thrives in silence. However, we can begin to address this topic...today...through open and honest dialogue within a safe environment...

This month's theme through the National Alliance on Mental Illness is "In Every Story, There's Strength." As I’ve shared my own journey, and heard the stories of others, I realized we are indeed...stronger together. In every story, there is strength...and when we speak up, healing begins.

This year has changed me in ways I never could have imagined...There is no doubt God placed that invitation where I would find it and led me through the gates of the farm that would ultimately turn my life around. Being at Barnabas, and in connection with the horses, staff and first responders, gives me hope for the future...

No one knew the depth of the pain I was experiencing...the trauma that wouldn't let go of me... As I look back over these months of growth and healing and connection and change...there's one word that helps me keep focused and moving forward...STAY.

And stay I have...

I stayed to read a simple invitation to Barnabas...

I stayed week after week with other first responders...building connections...

I stayed for the lessons that would teach me new ways to heal...as well as the genuine care and trust Jenn, Sue and Tiffany brought to the table, to hold space with me...and for me...when I didn't know what I needed...

I stayed for individual therapy with Gina...

I stayed to be accepted by a herd of the most amazing horses I've ever been around...

I stayed to find two horses I could hold onto in Doc and Comp...feeling their energy, love and boundaries, while being reminded of my own...

I stayed to find hope, grace, and redemption....

I stayed to find a way to love me through the darkest days and into the light...

I stayed to trust the process...

I stayed for family and friends...

I stayed for Gus...

And...I stayed for me...

If you are struggling and find yourself making plans that are a permanent solution for an emotional pain that is temporary, find a person or group that allows you the space to heal. I don't have all the answers...no one does...However, as friends, we can hold space for each other and work together to find the appropriate resources for every person who says, "I think I need to talk to someone..." Asking is courage. And that is the first step of your amazing comeback story...

The only thing I'm asking you to do at this very moment is...STAY...

My friend, it's okay to break your silence...You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just take the first step. Ask for help. Talk to someone. Let someone hold space for you.

Help is coming—but you have to be here to receive it. Don't let one decision take that opportunity from you...

Stay for you...

Stay for them...

Stay for us...

We need you...

~Parker